Games We Love to Hate: Gauntlet, NES

So there I am, balls deep in Glitchoris’ “fifth official podcast” (quoted to ensure you don’t get it confused with all our “unofficial podcasts”) about the most frustrating video games of all time, when I conjured up a great idea for a new regular feature: Games We Love to Hate.  These are the video games that everyone spiked their controllers over, kicked the crap out of their little brothers over, and that we still love to talk and reminisce about today.  Every system has it’s share of  ’em, and while we all have our own personal “favorites”, I guarandamntee the six of you out there that read this site will know exactly what we’re talking about when you read these.  So with the introduction out of the way, how about we kick it off with an old school game that everybody loved to fuckin hate: Gauntlet for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

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Hello? Hey Babe it’s Me … Glitchoris …

Yeah so this is awkward.  I know we haven’t talked in what, like 10 months, but I want you back.  Remember all those great times we had, like when I taught you how to aggro yourself a girlfriend, or when we’d reminisce about how frustrating it was in TMNT for the NES about how Master Splinter taught you how to snap necks but not how to swim?  Those were some good times, and some hilarious podcasts - even though I know you never listened to them.  It’s cool though, it doesn’t bother me, and it’s not why I left.  I left because I couldn’t give you the attention you needed, but now I can and I swear to my N64 I’ll never leave you again.  If you accept my sincere and deepest apology, I’ll return by giving you what you want most and what the Glitchoris does best by merging the gaming and GQ worlds together via guides, tutorials, and original content you will not find anywhere else.  So go ahead, clear out some of your old porn bookmarks and trow Glitchoris.com back in there.  You know you want to.       

Server Down! Server, Server Down!

So here I am balls deep into my level 50 Warlock quest when this lovely message pops up on general chat:

[Server]: Restart in 15:00.

Great.  This means that all realms for my beloved MMO Warcraft are down for the count.  Kinda like Mike Tyson fighting a baby.  It ain’t getting back up anytime soon.  But the news said fifteen minutes.  Actually, the news said all servers would be down for fifteen minutes; but that was over three hours ago.  What have I done for the last three hours?

Finished my second Dannon yogurt for the day.  Played Freebird on Guitar Hero.  Relogged onto WoW no less than fifty times to see if the server was up yet.

But while I’m typing this I hear my guildmates over vent telling me that Draka (the server for WoW) is now up again.  /peace.

Limited Edition Games Are For Lord Helmet and Andy Stitzer

Today those crafty businessmen over at Ubisoft formally announced that a “Limited Edition” of the heavily anticipated Assassin’s Creed will be shipped “later this year”, probably at the same time when the game hits store shelves.  Sweet Mariah, that means exclusive gameplay features like hidden levels right?  Wrong.  Here’s what you’re looking at for spending an extra $10 hard-earned bucks: a figurine of the main Assassin’s Creed character Altair, Penny Arcade comics, a miniature strategy guide, official trailers, behind the scenes videos, producer interviews, and Assassin-themed short films.  Are you drooling yet?  Well hang on because it gets better: the Limited Edition of Assassin’s Creed also comes packaged in tin!  Yes, tin!  Who doesn’t love tin packaging, and only for an extra ten dollars? < /sarcasm>Okay so Ubisoft also mentioned that Assassin’s Creed LE (wtf, is Ubisoft owned by Nissan?) will boast a “number” of supplemental items that you won’t get if you purchase the regular version, but is it really worth it?

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Starcraft 2 Is Coming and So Is Korea

Last Friday Blizzard finally let the boner out of the sweatpants and officially announced that Starcraft 2 is in the works for the PC.  Now I’m not much of a Starcraft fan; Red Alert was and will always be my RTS of choice.  However the very fact that millions upon millions of loyalists are still playing the original speaks volumes for how popular this game, and now series really is.  If you’re wondering why I’m dropping all these naughty sexual connotations along with the nation of Korea, it’s because I came across a hilarious comic strip via the fellas over at CTRL-ALT-DELETE that you have gotta see.  Once you see it all the sexual innuendos will make sense and you’ll fall out of your chair laughing, but not before you set Glitchoris as your homepage and deem me the craftiest, funniest motherfucker in all the land.  Click below to check out the i-hope-this-wins-some-awards-because-it-deserves-it-comic strip, and stay tuned into the Glitch for many more Starcraft 2 updates.  Since it’s so hard to find the “Glitch”, just bookmark us or set us as your homepage.  Oh and lastly, if you don’t get the title of this post you’re not old enough to be here.

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5 Gaming Foods That Taste Great and Are Good For You

Unless you’re having a DDR dance off, chances are you’re usually sitting on your ass when you game.  Whether it be that Dorito, beer covered thing you call a couch or the thinking man’s chair society likes to call a toilet, gaming involves sitting down and almost zero movement.  Zero movement translates to zero cardiovascular activity, and that’s not good for the ol’ cuerpo.  On top of that many gamers usually find themselves munching on chips, pizza, and other greasy yet incredibly awesome foods which doesn’t really help things out in the long run.  Since I saw the hot MILF/Cougar Rachel Ray on TV today while I was channel surfing I decided to trow together a nice post on 5 gaming delicacies that not only taste great, but are good for you as well.  Believe it or not this blogger is pretty athletic, not only in the video game world (I run marathons across Norrath, Azeroth, de_dust2, Goldeneye, etc) but the real world as well.  Before I jump right into my recipes and advice I need to preface this guide with an important note: if you really want to see results, go for a run, and hit the weights.  Then you can honest to God eat whatever the fuck you want, and don’t have to worry about reading these so-called guides.  That outta the way, let’s open up the Glitchoris pantry and see what we can make out with.

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Top 5 Most Anticipated Games For the Rest of 2007

Can you taste it?  It’s in the air; just stick your tongue out and let it caress your taste buds and dance on your palette.  It’s anticipation, and the rest of the 2007 gaming year is jam packed with it.  In an effort to alert the three of you who visit Glitchoris regularly, we decided to release what we feel to be the Top 5 Most Anticipated Games that have still yet to be released this year.  Some of these upcoming blockbusters are exclusives, while others are multi-platformers.  However regardless of what system these games will be calling home, one thing is for certain: when the dust has settled and gamer’s wallets have spoken, the next-gen console race could look frighteningly different.  Christmas is coming early my friends; more specifically in September and October.  Start saving your cash and working overtime, because every single one of these games deserves not only a spot on your shelf, but a preorder as well.

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Shazbot! WTF Happened to Starsiege: Tribes?

Times have changed, online games are getting worse.  Publishers don’t listen to the gamers, and they like to plot and curse!  Should we blame Counter-Strike, or society?  Or should I just STFU and drink my own pee?  Heck, no!  Blame Sierra!  Blame Sierra!  For all their ”we’re losing money” magoo and that shitty logo too!  Blame Sierra!  Blame Sierra!  What the hell happened to Tribes?  A few days ago while I was watching South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut I was rifling through some of my old PC games when I came across my Tribes 1 and 2 discs and an orgasmic rush of retro feelings overcame me, sending me to the floor in the fetal position and beginning a three hour coma/nap filled with dreams of yelling, “Shazbot!” and wondering why the US military doesn’t replace the M16 with disc launchers as their standard infantry weapon.  After waking up from my wet Broadside dreams I decided to take the day off work and throw myself into a 24-hour nostalgic Tribes 2 road trip you know, for old times sake.  After reinstalling the game I realized I would never get to fire my disc launcher ever again, because the Tribes world had shut down.

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Top 5 Most Frustrating Video Game Moments of All-Time

When you play video games as much as we do, frustration is bound to set in at one point or another. Controllers get spiked, naughty words get spewed and little sisters get pushed to the ground all because some douchebag developer decided to only include two save points in a 14 hour-long game. We here at Glitchoris have been researching and discussing this topic for weeks now, and we finally feel confidant we’ve put together the best possible list. The list you’ll find below consists of entire video games, specific levels, and even parts of levels that are sure to bring back some memories. Speaking of memories, after doing all this research we’ve realized that the majority of our frustration as gamers tends to stem directly from older games, more specifically from the 8-64 bit generations. It was a surprising find at first, but once we realized that you couldn’t even save your game on the NES (barring a few rare excpetions) it all kinda made sense. Back in the day you had lives, not save points. Enough rambling though; let’s get this thing started.

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How to Dump Your Girlfriend, If You’re a Gamer

So a few months ago you took my advice and aggro’d yourself a hot new girlfriend who doesn’t mind that you still sleep in Metroid pajamas; good for you, you’ve respec’d your nerdiness and nabbed yourself a nice glass of Kool-Aid. Wait, what’s that? You want to dump her … already? Did you get sick of rolling for sex every night, only to lose and loot yourself another night of cuddling? No need to lose any sleep over this Chief; rarely does a man meet his future lifelong co-op partner on the first try. While breaking up with your girlfriend is never easy or fun to do, at least you got further than Michael Kidblount; that alone deserves a high five. Anywho, since I’ve had some epic experience in kicking girls to the curb I decided to throw together a guide helping fellow gamers get through this usually complicated and nervewracking event. However before you jump headset first into this gamer breakup guide, I need to put your pyschie through a few mental roundhouse kicks to make sure you’re up for the challenge.

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