I love to quote movies. I’ll go so far as to confess that the majority of my sense of humor comes from movie quotes, which in hindsight, isn’t all that original. So while I’m not the next Dane Cook, I do feel that I’m right in stating that films convey messages, both explicitly and implicitly. Five years ago Judd Apatow released arguably his best movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin, starring the “Daily Show” reporter-turned-mega-star Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, and Seth Rogen, who seem to be in every new comedy release since.  The message of the film?  Let me state it by what I do best – movie quotes: “How hard did the employees at The Poster Store laugh when you framed your ‘Asia’ poster?”, and, “Is that the Six Million Dollar Man’s boss?”

So how in the world does this relate to gaming and more specifically collector’s editions?  Don’t buy them.  That’s how it relates.  They’re not worth the extra cash, and you honestly don’t want to end up like Andy Stitzer do you?  Read on for more.

In our first gaming lifestyle guide, “How to Get a Girlfriend if you’re a Gamer“, we stress that while it is absolutely integral that you be yourself, you still need to clean up a little, especially if Andy Stitzer looks back at you in the mirror every morning.  Ultimately women, or guys for the remote chance a female is reading this site, should appreciate and love you for who you are, and not what you do, or in this case collect.  But that doesn’t mean that you’re “hiding something or who you are” by moving all your GI Joes and Zelda toys out of your living room before your date arrives.  Like we said in our above guide, you wouldn’t start talking about your WoW “alt” on your first date, would you?  Well if you do, you shouldn’t, and if you did and it worked, well, high five you freak.

It’s All About the Benjamins

When it comes to collector’s editions for video games, you, the consumer, need to realize that a collector’s edition game will never, ever be considered “rare”.  Publishers are simply trying to get more money out of your hard-earned paycheck, and it’s working, and will surely continue to work for years to come.  The best example I can think of, and this is more due to personal experience than anything scientific, is back in the day of the Nintendo 64, when The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time was released.  Remember how they released a collector’s edition with a “gold” cartridge so you could brag to your friends?  Do you know how many of those they made?  A metric fuckload.  They aren’t rare – they never were, and never will be.  Now granted I believe the gold cartridge was the same price, but it started the “collector’s edition” trend which we see today.

Halo Reach Into your Wallet and Rape You

For a more current study, one need to look no further than the ridonkulous Halo: Reach Legendary Edition.  For a disgusting $150, you get the SAME GAME EVERYONE ELSE GETS, plus a cool map that I’m sure the ladies will love, a patch that you can sew onto your denim jean jacket, for those of you who still sport the Canadian tuxedo, a black DVD case to house your game disc (what’s wrong with the original one?), and best of all – a handcrafted (well, probably not) statue of your Noble Team, that again, the ladies will love once they see it on your coffee table.  $150 bucks folks.  Am I the only one who is saddened by this?  Okay, so you do get some actual exclusive in-game content, but in my opinion that in no way is worth an extra 90 freaking dollars.  Not a chance in H-E-double hockey sticks.

Collecting Isn’t a Bad Thing

It really isn’t.  As a kid I used to collect baseball cards, basketball cards, fossils, hell pretty much anything, but that was when I was a kid.  I’m 27 years old now.  I didn’t bring my baseball card collection to college, and I’m pretty sure they’re still sitting in my parent’s basement back home, if my mother hasn’t sold them all yet.  Just like Andy’s friends provided him with a much-needed nerd intervention, we would like to do the same to any of you out there that may be suffering.  If you absolutely love collecting this type of shit, then at least listen to us and from Andy Stitzer’s friends and at least move them out of your living room.  You don’t have to hide it, we just recommend that it not be the very first thing your date sees when she steps into your house or apartment.  Now I’m sure some chicks/guys out there don’t mind, or even love that kind of stuff, but I think they’re moreso in the minority than majority.

Again, collecting stuff, even if it’s action figures, is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thing is letting it get out of control, and taking over your living room and the conversations on your first dates.  Like we stated in our first gaming lifestyle guide, you don’t have to stop, just clean it up a little – we guarantee it will pay off in the long run.

You Know How I Know You’re Gay?

Your apartment looks like Neverland Ranch.  Okay, I think you get my point.  I really just wanted to throw the “you know how I know you’re gay” bit in here somehow.

For your wallet’s sake, and your manhood, don’t waste your hard earned money on collector’s editions, because they do more harm than good.

And for those of you stubborn bastards who feel insulted by this, I encourage you to please wait eighty years, and if Halo: Reach Legendary Editions are selling on eBay for $900, than I will eat crow.  But until then, don’t waste your time.