Glitchoris wants you to be happy with everybody in your life; especially those closest to you.  Significant others are just that: significant!  You should be happy and thrilled to see your girlfriend open the door to your apartment.  Cell phone ringing in the next room?  I bet you have a special ringtone saved just for her.

But…life is not always like this.  Sometimes the inaudible sighs say more than our actual words.  Then comes the epiphany.  “Am I actually better off without them?”  That sucks.  It does.  It just kinda sucks.

Follow the advice below to set yourself up in the best position to let her down softly while keeping your integrity (and consoles).

What Needs To Be Acknowledged

That this is actually happening.  The time is not yet to drown your sorrows in pint after pint (that will be coming up shortly).  Also, that you can not bottle this up any longer.  Eventually it is going to spill ov…oh yeah it has already.

Get Organized

Shit is going to get hectic.

You are holding onto a ticking time bomb my friends.  Alert your support group – hopefully you have not left them behind – to circle the wagons.  Next, follow the steps below.  Your co-op campaign just turned into multiplayer slayer.  And you better fucking believe there is a leaderboard for this game.

Pick The Location

Your place. You like that?  I thought you would.  Do not go to her place – avoid this at all costs.  Because the moment you tell her that it is over, she has nowhere to go.  You leave; she stays.  We are not looking for the symbolic break-up; let her be the one to take the action to leave.

Whatever you do, do not pull a Jerry McGuire and do it in a public setting with people around.  This business is between you and her; the moment you take it public everybody is inherently invited to watch the shitshow ensue.  Don’t let this happen.  You know your (ex)girlfriend – if you pull a Leeroy Jenkins and aggravate everything in the room, it always comes back to you.  Until you die from it (metaphorically speaking).

Pick The Time

The sooner the better.  Do not rush to do break it off, but be expedient.  Nothing good is gained from putting off the break-up.  In fact, the longer you put it off, the more you look like a jerk for sitting on your feelings (and hers!).  Now, if you are staying at her place, or she is at yours, I recommend that you handle the situation with extra care.  Nothing says jackass like a 6 a.m. break-up rollover in the bed.  “Morning.  I can’t do this anymore.”

If you choose to pull a ninja-afk from the relationship, spend your away time preparing for the upcoming death match.  Absence leads to wondering, and wondering leads to death stares.  Even over the phone.  You know what I am talking about.

Choose Your Words Carefully

This communication is done face to face.  No IM’ing or texting.  You can not be a microphone tough guy here with your separation of distance being your sword and shield.  She is right there next to you, so technically your only sword and shield will be your words.  Which is why the only thing that will be remembered quite possibly more than her range of emotions will be the words that come out of your mouth.

I do not have any hard and fast rules here for you gents.  If she is demanding too much time, tell her so.  If she is complaining about your preference for PS3 over cuddle time, tell her.  If you let yourself fall into bad habits in the relationship, tell her.

Stipulation: you can only go wrong by lying.  Addendum to stipulation: you better know how you feel going in.  Break-up conversation time is not time for self-exploration.  This sounds backwards, but it is not.  The more you think during the conversation, the more exposed your flaws become.  We are not too far removed from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade‘s templar who watched the nazi drink from the wrong chalice.  He did choose poorly.

Listen When She Talks

Put down the controller and listen, so you know what she is saying.  Internalize it, do not argue against it, and appreciate her feelings.  Then politely ask her to leave.  If she wants to stay and talk, remind her that part of the reason for the break-up is because she refused to honor your requests.  She will leave.  If she continues to stay at this point, and wants to talk further, consider yourself one of the (un)lucky bastards who hooked up with a verbal burner.  But that’s for another post…

Recap

Get organized.  Pick your location.  Pick the time.  Put down the controller.  Choose your words carefully.  Listen.  GTFO.

Conflicts Of Disinterest

The irony of having your girlfriend want to talk things over about the relationship at the point of the break-up is that you can not offer what she wants.  She will want you to either do one of two things: get back together or leave immediately.  If it is the latter, then you are all set.  If she wants to talk, your conflict of disinterest negates any helpful dialogue.  You are not interested in the relationship anymore, and this conflict is now settled: a conflict of disinterest.  Like how Cloud felt after Aeris died.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

You are venturing into the land of no take-backs.  There is no save point prior to the break-up that you can revert to in case it goes pear shape.  So you better be well past resolved to start the conversation.  The only company I can think that could make a game like that would be Bioware, and we have enough shit in our lives already that we would probably not even bother to play that game.

Lastly, be advised to make sure you get any and all copies of your keys back.  You don’t want to get home from work one day to find your dog missing and your 360 in 360 pieces.  Maybe she was more fun when you were drinking, but now you are sober, and this shit is not funny.

Good Luck

Let Operation Clean Sweep commence…