For the three of you who follow Glitchoris regularly, you may have noticed how much I like quoting movies when I excrete prose through my fingertips.  If you would be so kind, I want you to close those tired eyes of yours and think of Office Space.  You smiled, didn’t you?  I want you to go back to that scene with Jennifer Aniston (okay, you smiled again, didn’t you – hey, hands up!), where she’s getting counseled by her manager at Chotchsky’s regarding the serious lack of flair on her uniform.  Do you remember what her manager said?  Let me help you out, if you don’t recall: “Listen Joanna, our customers can get a burger anywhere.  They come to Chotchsky’s, for the fun and the flair.”  Now the final step I’d like you to do is replace “burger” with “guides”, and Chotchsky’s for Glitchoris, and bam, you have our philosophy on guides.  Gamers can get guides for games everywhere, but they come to Glitchoris for the gaming lifestyle guides.  And of course for the flair.  Today’s guide: How to lose weight, fast, if you’re a gamer.  Hit the link below for mo’.

Who remembers the Power Pad for the Nintendo Entertainment System?  Am I the only old asshole in the room that remembers it?  That’s pretty sad considering I am only 27 years old, but I digress.  Before the advent of Wii Fit, and the motion controller/system craze that’s about to hit the world again courtesy of Sony and Microsoft, there was the Power Pad.  She came packaged with a game that was adored by families around the world, and likely led to the quick suicide of “Cheetah” (after every kid in America embarrassed him in the Olympics, it was bound to happen folks – hell I beat him repeatedly with my hands – if you never owned a Power Pad that sounds a little violent).  Since the days of the Power Pad however, the Nintendo Wii has really been the only controller or system to integrate motion, or more specifically cardiovascular workouts into the realm of gaming.

But enough with history.  It’s pretty well known that gaming, and working out have never really been associated with one another, and that’s fine.  What isn’t fine though, is the stereotypical view that gamers are fat, overweight, and sit on their couch all day.  On top of that one, we as a community have to live with the nerd stereotype – because we’re all overweight, fat nerds, right?  Erroneous!  Erroneous on both counts!  We here at Glitchoris aim to obliterate both of those views; we want to make gaming cool, not nerdy.  Knowing damn well that probably the majority of us are not overweight, I’d like to offer a few personal tips and nutritional guidelines to help our community out.  What I’d love to see in response, is just that – a response, from the three of you out there who read the Glitch and have tips of their own on what to eat, drink, do, etc.  With that out of the way, let’s kick things off.

Drop the Soda, or at least Reach for a Diet

As a kid, every time you found me sitting in front of my television with an NES or SNES controller in my hand, you almost always found a can of Mountain Dew on the floor next to me.  On top of that, that can was likely my tenth one that day, and I am not kidding.  I once drank an entire 24-pack of Orange Crush soda in an afternoon, and during a gaming session I might add – Dragon Warrior 1, me thinks – just to say I did it.  And because I loved the taste.  Twenty years from now, when I become diabetic, I know the exact day in my life that caused it.  FML, right?

I ended up carrying this bad habit all the way into college, and it wasn’t until then that it hit me.  You know how many calories you’re sucking down when you shotgun a can of regular soda (I used to call it “pop”; thank you Marine Corps)?  In one can of regular Mountain Dew:

170 calories, and 46g of carbs – all bad carbs, courtesy of the 46g of sugar.

If soda is a regular part of your daily intake, I guaran-damn-tee that you will see INSTANT results if you switch it up with diet.  When I made the switch in college, I no-shit saw immediate results and dropped about ten pounds, A, because I drank so much of it, and B, because it’s just simple math.

Drop the soda folks, or at the very least, reach for a diet.

You Get What You Reach For

Just like choosing between regular or diet soda, reaching for snack foods while you play can have a major impact on your body.  If you’re looking for fast weight loss results, you need to look at the food your shoveling in your mouth when you’re putting Belmont and Kratos on pause.  Potato chips?  Not such a good idea, as you get very little, if any, nutritional benefit from them.  Will they curb your hunger?  Sure, but why reach for chips when you can reach for something that tastes good, and will still give you a nutritional boost?  My favorite choice?  Almonds.

Considered as one of the best “power foods”, almonds pack a powerful punch, even salted, with lots of protein, vitamin E, and come rich with good carbs, and even good fat.  The best part?  They taste great, and just a handful or two will fill you up.  I know Doritos are great, but why not treat yourself a little better?  Your body will thank you in the long run, trust me.

Some other quality foods to reach for, and coincidentally just happen to be some of my personal favorites, are peanut butter, turkey, and guacamole.  Hungry for a quick meal while Origins is loading up, but are sick of Hot Pockets?  Reach for peanut butter!  It’s packed with protein, and fats that are actually good for you.  Throw it on some crackers (Triscits and Jif FTW!), or some wheat bread, and you’ve got a dangerously good tasting, and good for you meal that takes all of about three minutes to make.  Hell, Dragon Age: Origins was usually still loading by the time I finished making a quick PB&J, but that’s not really a shock to those who have played it.

Guacamole, and chips and salsa are more quality replacements for greasy potato chips.  Guacamole has avocados, which is considered another power/brain/longevity food, and it tastes fuckin amazing, so why reach for anything else?  Tortilla chips aren’t great for you, but if you’re used to Pringles it’s an upgrade with some guac on there.  Salsa is nothing but vegetables, so you can do the math on that one.  My only advice: steer clear of that Tostido’s Salsa con Queso.  Or at least follow Mr. Sinclair’s advice and enjoy it in moderation.

In the End, It’s All About Choice

That sounds like a Bioware slogan, doesn’t it?  When it comes to losing weight, and losing weight fast, there really is only one solution: eat right, and get off your ass and do something to target your heart.  If you have bad knees, jump in the pool or hit the elliptical machines at the gym.  Don’t have a gym membership?  Do yoga in your living room.  Hell I’m a fuckin Marine, and I have no shame in saying that yoga, believe it or not gents, is a helluva workout.  Try laying in the plank position for 60 seconds, I dare you.

The above suggestions are just that, suggestions.  In my personal experience, cutting or switching regular soda for diet actually led me to a smaller waistline, but it’s not going to work for everyone.  Everyone’s metabolism is different, and if you’re still 18, you can likely get away with gorging an entire pizza three times a week and never putting on a pound, but beware, because the fun won’t last forever.

In the end, it’s all about choice.  You don’t have to go cold turkey on all the bad foods you love, but just know twenty or thirty years from now, when you and I are talking shit over Xbox Live with our hearing aids in, and we can still get up and go for a run afterwards, you’ll thank yourself for making the switch.  Even if it was a subtle one.

To the three of you who read Glitchoris regularly, what do you eat and drink while you game?  Am I the only asshole that eats almonds?  The more responses the better, as it will give everyone a little more variety.