Taking off from just inside the three-point line, grabbing twenty feet of air, and hammering down a near backboard breaking slam dunk is as fun now as it was sixteen years ago with NBA Jam’s inception.  Conversely, air balling a three pointer from the top of the key while on fire is equivocally dumb.

More Playtime

Death-defying slam dunks.  Take this dunk for example.  Vince Carter highjumps a seven-foot tall dude from France.

How awesome is that?  It’s fantasmagistically awesome if you want me to qualify that question with an answer.  NBA Jam needs dunks that make us go, “Oh holy shit did you just see that!”

Unfortunately, there may only be about 10-15 different styles of slam dunks programmed into the game. We need more.  Like, lots fucking more.  Why not hit 50?  Surely a game with the financial backing of EA can come up with more than 15 styles of slam dunks.  And just in case the braintrust at EA cannot jostle those neurons, here is a list of a couple that Glitchoris have thought of:

The Heisman.  With the ball tucked on the right hip, the left hand is extended forward to stiff arm any opposition in the face.  In the face!

The Repeater.  Repeated somersaults on the way up followed by a transition at the apex.  The announcers relay that he is changing styles mid-air, but then he reverts back to somersaults on the way down.  The Repeater!

The Moonwalker. A reverse dunk that is best served from taking off between the free throw line and the top of the key.  Instead of waiting to turn around until he gets to the rim, the reverse happens immediately while the off hand clutches the ball behind his back.  The main hand is then tips forward the invisible hat on the player’s head.  The player’s feet then moonwalk backwards toward the basket.

If EA contacts us for consulting work, we will consider selling them the idea.  Because in a game where repetition and monotony are so high, you would think they wouldn’t let the fucking dunking get just as monotonous.

Less Playtime

A weak-ass basketball that looks like it was dipped in some entropic radioactive element.  It should look more like something from outer-space and less like an atomic fireball.  Seriously.  Who the fuck decided to not even give it a pronounced tail?  This game is predicated upon shit happening that defies logic and order.  It’s almost like some douchebag with influence in the boardroom felt that jumping twenty feet in the air is more realistic than a basketball catching on fire.  This is what happens when you have non-athletes creating a game that involves athletes.

Air balls shot when on fire.  Look, when I’m playing NBA Jam, and my character catches fire, unless his three point shooting skill is at a negative four out of ten, he better make every fucking shot on his side of the court.  I guess I must be horribly mistaken by thinking catching fire actually helps me out.  During one game, as Lebron James, I caught fire and air balled a wide open three.  You know what made this game great in the beginning?  Being able to do things on the court that would never happen in real life.  You know what hurts this game now?  Being able to do things on the court that would actually happen in real life.

Final review coming soon!