Imagine going on a date with your typical crush-type.  Whether it’s the tall blonde, the tanned brunette, or the see-through albino redhead, your pre-set moves and past dating accomplishments propel you two right into your living room for a night cap.  You bust out the scotch for yourself, the red wine for the lady, and you get close.  Right after she brushes up into you and drops the stress-releasing whimper, you softly touch the small of her back and place your drink on the table.  She looks into your eyes as if removing the walls from her defense mechanisms.  At this moment, you’re in control.  You’ve played the game.  You’ve won.

This makes sense.  You’ve seen the pattern before; you’ll see it again (shortly).

This is not Final Fantasy XIII.  You do not have control.  In fact, you’re so out of control just moving your prosthetic fucking character around the map that you cannot even simply avoid a gelatinous ooze.  Really.  Ooze > You.

I harbor a lot of respect and gratitude toward Final Fantasy developers.  In fact, they have thirteen editions of the game out; that’s incredible.  But, in the latest edition, there is a lot to be desired when it comes to combat.  First, with the advent of World of Warcraft, area-of-effect (or attack-on-environment) damage constitutes a new breed of combat.  I mean, if I had the power to shoot lightening from the palm of my hand, I really don’t think shooting out a bolt large enough to strike a ten foot radius is a large stretch.  How does this affect your character?  Well, for starters, you can’t avoid it.  I mean, you can, but only through secondary effects of being melee or ranged dps.  And not even that does the trick a lot.  You get very dismayed when you see the enemy wind up to bitch slap you in the face, and you can’t do anything about it.

Which brings me to number two.  After flushing, or restarting the fight after you’ve wiped, you are encouraged to create a team of  multiple healers to get through an attack.  Just don’t let this be the first time you’ve paradigm shifted (FF’s way of switching player roles similar to a hockey line change).  Because for the first change, it takes an extra three seconds of visual effects to show how good of a job the graphic designers are doing.  You know what is awesome for when you need a quick heal?  Waiting for it.  You know how much damage you can take in three seconds.  Enough to kill you.  Seriously, I’m not trying to be funny.  You’ll fucking die watching your characters switch roles.

Not all of it was disappointing though.  The graphics are phenomenal (when you’re not waiting for a heal).  The story line is nothing original, but it’s not as bad as Xenosaga.  No offense to those of you who love Xenosaga, but I when I buy a game, I want to play it, not watch it.  Final Fantasy XIII is worth the play through, but it does not sport the high replayability like the tanned brunette does.