With today’s media climate as it is, with Weiner bringing sexty back and Tracey Morgan speaking out against anybody not straight, it’s nice to play a video game that is exactly how it’s advertised.

For your viewing pleasure:

Now, did you see that big fucking spider thing pop up like three times? You get to drive that thing! And shoot people. It’s great. We also are pretty sure you saw the protagonist rebuilding a walkway with his left arm “forge nova.” You get to do that too!

Here’s how the game started out for us.  You know when you have just one thing to do? It happens about once or twice a year. Everything else is already done or can’t be started, and that leaves you with one measly little chore for the day. These are the days where you only have to put on pants for like, maybe, fifteen minutes? Then you go back to your pajamas and t-shirt as if annoyed that being dressed like a grown-up is more contagiously shitty than the black plague.

Well, that was yesterday for me. And my one thing was to put in some game time for RFA. And for the record, I didn’t start playing until about 4pm. I’m a lazy sloth at times.

I honestly think Volition coded crack into the game. I couldn’t put the controller down. Seriously, I completely forgot the Mavericks were playing the Heat in Game 5 of the NBA Championships. I’m a moderate NBA fan, but only because I like to watch theatrics of professional sports.  Then I didn’t even watch the end of the game where apparently Lebron James pulled a Chris Angel and vanished in the fourth quarter.

Now that the introduction is through, here’s the rest of my neural firings.

More Playtime
Creative deaths. Part of me wishes we could transplant the environmental deaths of Bulletstorm with absolutely everything else from Armageddon. Then we’d be all set. I hammered a guy into a twenty-foot gas tank only to watch him bounce off. I would have enjoyed the explosion.

Epic battles. One of the pleasant surprises of Armageddon is the sheer amount of killing that takes place in a short amount of time. Headshots are fun – but erasing twenty people from God’s red Mars in under five seconds dwarfts that.

Secrets. I know I sound like a fucking five year old just discovering the joys of bombable walls in the original Legend of Zelda, but I can’t deny I would spend hours blasting shit up that doesn’t make sense just for one minute of ecstasy of finding something buried.

Less Playtime
Asshole CO’s. Every CO in the game is a stereotypical Patton. Nobody can be right going against the commanding officer. It’s more than played out, and this seems to be the norm for FPS’s these days. Oh well, can’t have it all, can we?

Fatality sans blood. Armageddon doesn’t really employ blood, and that’s something we definitely want to see. It doesn’t need to be spurting out of every orifice…ok, it needs to be spurting out of every orifice.

Final review up by the end of the week – probably Saturday morning.