Killzone 3 is like the attractive woman you hook up with that’s twenty pounds heavier than your norm.  You’ll feel a little guilty for liking the experience, but you don’t hate it enough to not do it again.  And again.

Glitchoris BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)

Play it.  Really.  It’s a fun and quick game.  Just don’t drop a good amount of cash on it.  For about a four-hour play through time, more than about $30 is too much.

Plan B – The Backdoor

One of the reasons why this game plays like a guilty pleasure is because the storyline mimics a sci-fi B movie.  Now, I love me some Starship Troopers, both the movie and Heinlein’s classic, but the finale is too implausible of a stretch.  We are on a rescue mission to retrieve an asshole superior who never helps us out, and further, according to Velasquez, is a major douchebag.

Most games make us suspend our belief of reality in order to fit into the framing of the narrative.  Hence, science fiction.  And this isn’t the first game in recent memory to have a totally fucked-up ending to a relatively normal storyline.  The ending doesn’t make me retrospectively hate the storyline; it just doesn’t come off as clean as we had hoped.

Where The Fuck Did That Come From?

A typical question during any intense FPS – this problem was more annoying than listening to Peter Gammons on ESPN tell us that steroids is just no big deal in baseball.  When the fighting got hectic – and that does happen a lot in this game – and for good cause, I found myself dying because I couldn’t see the bastard who was shooting at me. At first, I was happy about this.  I thought to myself, “Maybe I need to use the cover system more often.”  Then I died while using the cover system.  I think it was a grenade, but I didn’t see any fat chicks around.

The system employed to show remaining health doesn’t break the mold for an FPS: blood covers the corners and sides of the screen, and the less health we have left, the more blood is on the screen.  However, since the enemies, even on easy mode (tried this one too), can drill me from about a football field away with a fucking pistol, if I can’t see them when I’m healthy, how the hell am I supposed to see them when my screen is more bloody than an emo kid’s wrist on Prom night?

Ray “For The Win” -stone

Cheesy geek language aside, this guy is fucking amazing.  After killing scores of men in combat, then hitting a cutscene where Ray Winstone’s voice takes over is nothing short of sheer power.  Seriously, whoever at Guerilla Games that signed Winstone to that part should be given a week in Hawaii, a new car, and a free he-bitch man-slap to anybody he deems deserves it.  Think of it this way: Ray Winstone can shut up an irate adult without even raising his voice.

A couple other big names lace their vocals into the gameplay.  Malcolm McDowell plays Stahl, the enigmatic but ruthless opposition.  You may remember him from his role on Entourage: he plays Ari Gold’s nemesis Tarrence McQuewick (and other games such as God of War 3 and Wet).  Brian Cox also makes the list.  Who can forget his role as Captain O’Hagan in Super Troopers?  I can still hear him yelling, “You’re a sick motherfucker, Mac.”  While Cox’s role is severely limited, it’s still a welcomed sound.