Killzone 3 is like the attractive woman you hook up with that’s twenty pounds heavier than your norm.  You’ll feel a little guilty for liking the experience, but you don’t hate it enough to not do it again.  And again.

Glitchoris BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)

Play it.  Really.  It’s a fun and quick game.  Just don’t drop a good amount of cash on it.  For about a four-hour play through time, more than about $30 is too much. Continue Reading

God of War 3 taught me something that no other game has taught me: I can still love a game and hate the main character.  Raffman was right when he said that the storyline is nothing new, but Kratos is less dimensional than a fucking piece of paper laying on the floor.  But then again, I didn’t drop the dough to listen to Kratos talk.  I played it to kill anything that moved.

Glitchoris BLUF

If God of War 3 is not the industry standard today, it will be tomorrow.  Less puzzles, cranks, and levers, and more fun weapons and larger bosses highlight this third installment.  You may not take the day off work to press through it, but you can schedule a solid hour or two a night after your daily cubicle time to release the stress.

Kratos, meet Jules

Remember when Pulp Fiction released?  Everybody was reciting Ezekiel 25:17, and even Saturday Night Live acted a skit where Jules coached a teenage hockey team in all of his homicidal fury.  Kratos always had this style, but he never had the panache of Sam Jackson.  Well, he has it now.  When Kratos face-stomps Poseidon, all I can hear is Sam Jackson stating, “Well allow me to retort.”

It took until the third installment to pull it off, but the devs found the way to match Kratos’ vengeance with superior camera angles.  They do this so well that when the angle changes from third-person to Poseidon’s first-person point of view, I actually thought the game transferred me into Poseidon’s character because I lost the fight.  Then I snapped to reality and crafted a quiet smile.

Boss Fights That Make Sense

For someone who has played endgame for each World of Warcraft installment, you get really used to having to research boss fights.  Raid leaders might go so far as to require that you watch the video of it before you try it out yourself.  Now, that may be all well and good for an MMO, but for a console game, that’s a little out there.  And by a little out there I mean it’s pretentious.  And by pretentious I mean the devs are being pricks.

I should be able to figure out a boss fight in about the first three seconds.  Whether that is through visual or audio cues, I’m a fucking twenty-eight year old with an undergraduate degree from a tough university, almost thirty hours of post-grad work, and I run two businesses outside of my full time job.  I get systems.  I get problem solving.  And I love God of War 3‘s boss fights.  They make sense!  After pummeling Hercules, I take his bear-faced boxing gloves from him.  They are so hard they can punch through onyx.  So an hour later, a giant scorpion descends upon me with onyx legs.  I equip the gloves and punch him like Mike Tyson in his pre-fucked up era. Boss fight over.  No running to the internet to read about how someone else figured it out.

It’s As Long As It Should Be

That’s what she said?  You will be done with this game in a mere two weeks if you play sparingly.  And that is just the first play through.  Of course Santa Monica plugs a second playthrough with bonuses found the first time around.  You familiarize yourself with the map fairly early, and many spots will be revisited upon later times, so you are constantly being drawn in to a second and third playthrough.

An example of a game that stretches this limit is Castlevania: Lords of Shadow.  It’s fairly puzzle-heavy, and at times that can distract from the fluidity of the game.  Not with God of War 3 though.  Most of the time, when you get in a rhythm, you just keep plugging away and reap all the red orbs your body can muster.

God of War 4?

All the gods are dead, so I don’t know what the storyline would be.  But I’m sure Kratos will find someone to headhunt. Rumors say 2012…

Gabriel Belmont is one tough dude.  Sure, he’s sticking to his Christendom, but the way he swings a cross-chain makes Indiana Jones look like a stunt double.

Glitchoris BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)

If you play video games to stimulate the squishy puzzle-solving neurons in your brain, then Castlevania is right up your alley.  Add visually stunning graphics and an interactive grapple aspect to fighting, and you have yourself another solid installment to the series.

Paging Doctor Kojima

Get used to playing within cutscene-quality graphics because Kojima and the dev team know no other way to construct this graphical force majeur.  Too many times in our past, we wait in anticipation for the next installment of a hit series only to be disappointed with the lack of evolution.  This is not a problem with Lords of Shadow.  Whether you are scaling a seemingly  impossibly high mountain, decimating a titan, or running upon the chains leading up to the castle (this is Castlevania), watching Gabriel turn into the size of a peanut while maintaining the daunting visuals of the behemoth-sized constructs is truly amazing.

Aforementioned, the puzzles wreak havoc upon your ADD.  Want to tune out?  Sorry.  Want to put on autopilot and run-and-gun?  Sorry.  While the puzzles all have logical answers, they will become more of a challenge than even the final boss himself.  Now, you may cheat and find the answer, even in-game, but if you play this for the challenge, then you will get your money’s worth.  Kojima plus Castlevania equals cerebral gaming.

Judge The Game By Its Cover

Gabriel is a man hell-bent upon bringing his murdered wife back from the dead.  He ain’t here to pluck daisies.  The game invents itself with its color hues of dark blues, dark reds, and that one very dark shade of black.  It won’t take many chapters into the game (twelve total) before the player realizes that the dark nature of Gabriel’s actions are beginning to consume his very own soul.  And this makes for an excellent story line.  Gabriel is an archetypal dark hero character.  He is a man of good intentions who ends up fighting for a cause not of his own.  So, he will play like Kratos from God of War one minute and Link the next (he fights with fairies, c’mon now), but he always ends up as Gabriel Belmont.

Castlevania does not deviate from it’s predecessors.  It is merely injected with current-day technology and fantastic voice acting.  We still get to visit the clocktower levels and beat ghouls up with a fucking chain whip.  And holy water actually does something in this game.  Although I just don’t understand how Gabriel can make it all the way without one scratch on his face.  Seriously, he has a perfect complexion.  I didn’t know they had ProActive back in 1047.

Final Thoughts

Lords of Shadow reminds us of how potent the original series has remained over time.  It’s challenging; no doubt about it.  The puzzles and continuous search for the right camera angle will either prove cumbersome or delightful, depending on your point of view.  Regardless, Castlevania is an excellent addition to any collection of games.

Oh, and the final cutscene?  I bet even those of you who choose not to play this game will Youtube it.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadows has only been released to the public for about 30 hours, yet the God of War comparisons, and “this isn’t Castlevania” quotes have been swarming the gaming corner of the Interweb faster than a fat kid can open a Twinkie wrapper (okay, maybe not the fairest of analogies, considering Twinkie wrappers are not the easiest to open).  Well folks, guess who’s got two thumbs and has already played well over four hours of it?  This guy!  So grab a bottle of your favorite holy water and click the link below if you dare, however, if you’re allergic to any and all things Patrick Stewart, I would suggest you steer clear.

Continue Reading

Here at Glitchoris we follow the reviewing philosophy of only targeting the cool games from the early development cycle, because to be honest, if you’re like us, you could care less about Monkey Island 2 or LEGO Harry Potter.  That being said, not every title that has Game of the Year all over it from inception actually delivers once it hits store shelves.  God of War 3 however, is not one of those games; in fact, Kratos returns in his best appearance yet.  Bottom Line Up Front: God of War 3 is an absolute must-have for all PS3 owners.  If you don’t have a PS3, get one.  Now.

Continue Reading