Glitchoris loves telling you what’s up.  Like the time five years ago when we posted about a short-lived energy drink called “Sum Poosie.” We never drank any of it, but then again it didn’t come with a clearance label from the CDC.

This time, however, it’s about the supposed next-gen Wii.  Nintendo is leaking information to the press at the rate that would make B. Arthur’s morning routine look fast and furious.  

A few articles circulating Facebook pages discuss hopes and fears and wants and needs for the Wiiquel.  And while we have our own list of great expectations, we need to share our personal biases regarding the Wii.

First, everything was fucking white.  You know who likes white?  Pre-teen girls and pedophiles shopping for shoes to go with their Dockers pleated khakis.  Seriously – you want to show you’re the badass on the block?  Don’t show up in white.  Johnny Cash understood this, and you’re better off following Johnny Cash’s sense of style than a device that spits out Pokemon.

Secondly, the mounted motion-sensor had the staying power of an alcoholic father.  And while I don’t know this first hand, I imagine nothing good comes from this kind of home life.

What we do want from the Wiiquel, however, are essentially industry standards: either free or affordable online gaming, better than HD graphics (it’s been the standard for years now), iconic controllers, games that aren’t meant for 12 year olds, and an emblem on the sides with a big middle finger to the rest of the competition.  Seriously here Nintendo, your last console just looks like the crippled little brother.  Way more Carlton than Fresh Prince.

Free or Affordable Online Gaming. We don’t even mind ponying up the cash if you want a yearly subscription fee.  Microsoft found a way to make the $60 stick pretty handily.  We feel like Dr. Rumack from Airplane!: “We’re all counting on you.”

Graphics That Are Not Polygonal. The last launch left a lot to be desired, and Nintendo knows they are behind the times.  We’re certain they will remedy this on the next go-around, but if you really want to piss off Sony, they should throw in a blue ray player.  Just don’t tell LG.

Iconic Controllers. For a company as deep rooted in it’s own industry’s history as Nintendo is, the controllers over the past few consoles have been just ok at best.  The Wii fit the mold of form following function, but they can do better.  We tolerated the last batch – we didn’t fall in love with them.  Sony and Microsoft have a winning formula; Nintendo does not.

Pokemon-Less Games. We here at Glitchoris understand that to knock one video game is to knock them all.  But fuck Pokemon.  Seriously.  You want a lion’s share of the male gamer over the age of 16?  Market to make yourselves look less like mama’s boy and more like a motherfucker.   It’s hard to psych ourselves up to shoot someone in the face or stab them through the chest plate when all the colors of the fucking rainbow are staring at me during the start-up screen.

Anything To Make The Wiiquel Look Like A Next-Gen Console. Let us choose our own color, or at least let it not be grandmother white. We’re not rocking any decorative skins on the 360, but at least the newer black model looks sleek and modern.  Bigger isn’t always better, but if it’s small and white, you’re fucked.

I’m sure nothing will make me buy the Wiiquel outright.  The Legend of Zelda series is about the only franchise game worth playing, and I feel more obligated to buy and play that than by fervor.  We will buy it, of course, but we’re not getting our hopes up.  We also hope time will prove us wrong.